throat shuts, body seizes 
white hot heat surges 
through my blood
i don’t even recognize 
the scream that exits my mouth
the rage embedded in my vocal chords 
is not new it’s ancient probably
and true
but it feels like possession 
it's out of my control 
its 47 years of trapped words
trapped fuck offs, i hate yous
you hurt me, i don’t want to
i don’t have to, grow up, 
take care of yourself, hear me, see me
take care of me, i love you, 
consider me. 
consider me. 
air tries to get into my lungs
to keep me alive but it cannot enter
it cannot make its way past the 
giant heavy tears that are leaping out 
of my eyes
i know i will do the right thing 
whatever that means 
even if it is not what i want to do 
i will say the right thing 
even if is not what i want to say
or not say or not do
i will keep myself in this cage 
because i am scared shirtless of 
letting my truth out
to her, to him, to you
it’s not good for my body though
not good for my soul
maybe this moment this breath, 
please g-d, let it get in, 
is a step in that direction 
is an indication that it is more 
urgent than ever before 
to let myself all the way out 
it’s all i want for others why 
would i not want that for myself
the air enters and exits my lungs
three deep times it holds peace 
it holds silence
body relaxes a little
the possession has bated 
it's a start it’s something
i can just make out the key 
in the lock through my blurry  
tear stained eyes it glimmers gold 
in the rays of late afternoon light 
that i almost missed the glory of
im sorry im sorry im sorry
i love you forgive me thank you 
i will do my very best to 
consider you 
i will consider you.
i will see you.  
i will hear you. 
i will love you.
i do consider you.
i do see you.
i do hear you.
i do love you, my g-d how i love you.  
full body yawn takes over 
automatic head to toe stretch takes over
immediately followed by heavy eyelids 
sleep she says gently, i want sleep
i want to let it all go and sleep
so i do